crap

I'm not actually in the correct mindset to blog right now. haha.. but when will it ever be the right time to do anything?I'm not drunk, haven't been for quite some time , and surprisingly I don't need the extra booze to encourage myself to write this down.Hopefully no one give a damn to read this or pray I wont regret the next morning, or few hours later. This place has always been where I documented most of the darkest time of mine, to ink it down here where I could transfer the darkest thought of mine and lock it up and never review it again. People blog so they can review what they had been through in the mere future, honestly, I never, ever read back what I had blogged down, call me a coward, but I take this place to pour out most of what I wish not to look back , or maybe trying to escape from it. Lock it up here, I said to myself , and there's no key to this chest. Exhaustion and uncertainties been clouding me ,things never happen as they are planned,

not in the great expedition of mine anyway. Morality and consciousness contradicts the hormones and sins that I sometimes find it's easier to let it flow den juggling through the confusing what's right what's wrong crap. I'm only fucking 22, as much as I wish to take up the responsibilities to act as my age, how should we act as our age anyway? So much philosophy crap of life that's trying to rub their way in.. sigh, I don't even know why I'm writing this . HAHA.

Right, back to the topic.. whats the topic? I haven't even have a title for this post, maybe I should just call it crap. LOL.. so why am I still writing this? I cant even write down half of what I actually wanna say. shit . Too much consequence to consider .. too much feelings of others that I should care about, how long have I been living in other's expectations instead of living for what I expect?  Why am I talking to myself like this? Wait..it should be like this , blogging is like writing a diary , talking to yourself bullshiting the world on how fun how nice how good ur life is and making others feeling bad and envying the perfect life of urs. HA. wow this is a long full of crap post. Least it sends out a correct message that I'm definitely not in my best set of mind. Hopefully this is not a suicidal path to my social life, and who cares about social life when u know you got friends who's always there for u. Yea I have quite a few of those kind of friends, something I'm grateful for. 

There's a purpose I wrote this, initially anyway, but then I calmed down and I think it's better I don't do something I will regret, but I got no one to talk to, or more precisely, no one I can tell this to. So I came here, but it will be like telling the world , ha, but I need a place to express this out, so maybe this will just be a post of meaningless letters after letters that only I will understand the hidden meaning, like the bubbles coming out of the mouth of the fish. Wha nice way of describing ! hahaha fuck me. CAN U STOP BEING SUCH A MYSTERY URE DRVING ME NUTS I CAN NEVER WORK OUT UR MIND! phew. much better.

=)